he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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