I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
