Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize