Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
They are going to name an STD after you.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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