I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
