i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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