There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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