So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
