i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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