Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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