Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
