I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
