I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
