I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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