my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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