I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
