I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
