My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
