I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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