Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
