Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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