3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
