Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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