i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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