I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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