I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize