I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
