im about as happy as oj after his trial
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
How's work?
Spinning.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
