Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
