just tell him i said nine months
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
