Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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