yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
