Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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