I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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