I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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