just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize