Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize