I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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