i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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