I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
