you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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