You can't special order awesome
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
