Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Randomize
