I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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