I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize