i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
