yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
