Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
