I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
