I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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