I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
