The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My friends, they love my intelligence
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
