apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
