I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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