Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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