My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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