I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
