come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
