I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
