Your mouth is God's brothel.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
