i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
