I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize