Is it because I queefed?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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