I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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