there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
