Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
