It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
