Someone shit on the floor
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
