As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
