I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
how do flat chested girls get laid?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
